Top Ten: Nobody Scores Comics #1-275

If you read this blog regularly, you're no stranger to Nobody Scores. While it's not for everyone, its angry, R-rated tales of protracted failure have their own appeal. You have to be a certain sort of person to appreciate the humor, but when you read a Nobody Scores episode, even the most hardened pessimist can't help but think, "At least my life isn't this bad." Plus, the whole thing is one of the best-drawn comics on the web.

With cartoonist Brandon Bolt preparing to take his traditional "summer vacation," from his comic, Nobody Scores readers will have to make do with the archives for the next month. To sate your thirst, I present the top ten comics of the first two years (#1-275), in ascending order of excellence.

As with our previous top ten list, this list is no mere catalog of personal preferences! Each the excellence of each entry on this list has been confirmed by empirical observation and placed in an ordinal scale among the other entries, through the scientific process known as "archive trawling." The results are absolutely normative and free from bias of any kind, and if you dispute them then you clearly have no understanding of comic science.

No, really.

10. "The Confrontational Dead" (NS!#144)
Even though zombie apocalypses have been done to death (pun intended), Brandon Bolt breathes some life into the subject by tweaking the expected ending. Sara and Raoul's dialogue also keeps the scenario fresh. I particularly like Sara's blatantly indifferent response to Raoul's inquiry about Beans.

9. "The Winkerbeaner" (NS!#107)
Nobody Scores loves to comment on the state of newspaper comics, and when you stop to consider it, the Funkywinkerbeaniverse and the Nobodyscoresiverse are a match made in heaven. The only real difference is that the Nobodyscoresiverse is a little more self-aware about its catastrophes. And a little more over-the-top.
Just a little.

8. "The Duckulator" (NS!#175)
When the situation calls for a duck: there's the Duckulator. Inspired "Doofus Ex Machina" surreality, but the highlight is Raoul's authoritative command of the classroom. Truly, he brooks no dissent!

7. "Cynical Girl" (NS!#258)
Jane burns through fads like they're three-way appetizer samplers on Football Night at Willie's Sports Bar. But what does she do when her "casual cynicism" schtick finally sticks? Just ride it out, breaking hearts and shattering dreams all the way.

6. "The Scott McCloud Injection" (NS!#86)
When Nobody Scores takes on the topic of comics as a medium, self-parody has never been more vicious.

5. "You Just Had to Ask" (NS!#65)
This is your descent into madness. This is your descent into madness on drugs. Any questions?

4. "Meet the New Boss" (NS!#15)
As far as the main cast's interpersonal dynamic goes, this is a textbook Nobody Scores comic. Sara takes over as boss of the apartment, and proceeds to abuse her position. And by "position" I mean "roommates."

3. "Allllnighter" (NS!#61)
High school and college students as well as corporate-minded professionals will identify with this comic--though hopefully not too much. When caffeine proves insufficient to keep her working productively through the night, Sara leverages her resources to create a conducive work environment. The resources are her roommates.

2. "The Trick, Somewhere" (NS!#261)
Even though the official "Nobody Scores with Scoring" 3-strip arc concluded this week, I still consider this to be the quintessential "even when you win, you lose" comic. Everything's going Sara's way--what's responsible for this winning streak? And what will she do with her newfound good fortune? And why doesn't Firefox's onboard dictionary recognize "newfound" or "onboard" as real words?

And my all-time favorite the objectively best Nobody Scores comic of #1-275 is...

1. "Scalia's Gonna Cry" (NS!#116)
Plenty of webcomics mine internet memes as a source of potential comedy, but this is the only comic I've seen to tap into the "diet coke and mentos" trend on Youtube. Brandon Bolt takes a simple prank war between friends and escalates it to cataclysmic proportions, ultimately yielding the most surreal court decision ever to grace a comic page. I'm still waiting for a poster of this one to show up in the Nobody Scores store. Are you reading this, Bolt? I demand posters! Posters!

Totally objective!

Top Ten: Strong Bad Emails #1-199

It's not technically a webcomic, but Homestar Runner often gets mentioned in the same breath, likely owing to its style of humor, the DIY ethic of its creators, and its general presentation. It's also incredibly popular: hundreds of thousands tune in every week for the surreal adventures of a thick-headed, armless athlete...thing, and his equally strange peers. However, the real star of the show is would-be villain Strong Bad, with his more-or-less-weekly feature, Strong Bad Emails, in which he answers real emails from viewers just like you except with worse spelling and grammar.

The two-hundredth SBEmail, "email thunder," was released early this Tuesday, and to commemorate the momentous occasion, This Week in Webcomics will present a Strong Bad Emails retrospective. Two hundred episodes is a lot to sort through, and the casual Homestar Runner viewer will wonder, "Which emails are worth my time?" Thus, we (by which I mean "I") present the following top ten list: comprehensive, definitive, and entirely objective in its selection, and also with absolutely no sarcasm whatsoever. Zero! Seriously.

Before beginning, I would like to credit the Homestar Runner Wiki, a useful knowledge base for all Homestar fans and an invaluable resource in creating this list. And now, rife with spoilers, it's the Ten Best Episodes of Strong Bad Emails #1-200:

10. helium: SBEmail #38
I'll be honest--the main reason this one made the list at all is because I like Strong Bad's song about "the High-Voice Crew." Still, between Strong Mad's funny voice and an inflatable The Cheat, there's enough funny here to round it out.

9. virus: SBEmail #118
Classically, whenever Strong Bad gets a new computer, it's because horrible disaster befell his old one. In this email, Strong Bad finally gets a virus from a questionable email, resulting in bugs all across the Homestar Runner reality. After a surreal descent into madness, Bubs restores order by blasting the computer with a shotgun.

8. flashback: SBEmail #100
There's not really any coherent thread tying together the discrete bits of this email, but they're all so awesome, you won't care. From the wicked sweet email intro song, to the implementation of "widescreen," to the central flashback showing how Strong Bad met Homestar (in animated picture-book format!), there's plenty of humor here. Additionally, viewers patient enough to sit through Strong Bad saying the word "email" a hundred times will be treated to the mother lode of Easter Eggs.

7. personal favorites: SBEmail #69
No run-down of the best Strong Bad emails would be complete without the email in which Strong Bad gives his own run-down of the best Strong Bad emails. However, Strong Bad is notorious for pulling stuff out of his you-know-what, and the emails he lists are no exception. Every single one of Strong Bad's favorites, except for the first two, are actually too awesome to exist; they're just SB makin' stuff up. Add in one of the funniest Easter Eggs ever, and you've got a winner.

6. anything: SBEmail #78
A sure-fire way to keep the Strong Bad Email format fresh: have Homestar Runner host the cartoon. Have him significantly damage Strong Bad's computer in the process. Throw in a Neverending Story reference as an Easter Egg.

5. trevor the vampire: #10
This email is proof that you don't have to create a masterpiece of animation to make a solid cartoon. It's basically just Strong Bad sitting at his computer and responding to Trevor's message, but the writing is tight and the humor cracks me up even on repeat viewings. Also, it's worth noting that this is one of the weirder emails Strong Bad has received.

4. long pants: SBEmail #127
Strong Bad edits an email inquiring about Homestar's lack of pants. Homestar goes insane. Comedic gold.

3. highschool: SBEmail #140
One of my favorite "parody" emails, this one satirizes the conventions of Hanna-Barbera's countless "Scooby-Doo clone" cartoons. It loses a little momentum toward the end, but the way it riffs on "teen mystery" and "all the characters as babies" cartoons is spot-on.

2. dragon: SBEmail #58
It still amazes me that two of the indisputably best Strong Bad emails, "Dragon" and "Japanese Cartoon," came out back-to-back. Each of them spawned countless new material, from the world of 20X6 to Trogdor's theme song and graphic adventure game, and each is a solid cartoon in its own right. I chose to include "Dragon" rather than "Japanese Cartoon" on the list because Trogdor is slightly more iconic than Stinkoman, and also because of Strong Mad carving the word "DAGRON" into a table, but honestly, you can't go wrong with either cartoon.

1. death metal: SBEmail #141
As the Homestar Runner universe's resident Bad Guy, Strong Bad is heavily into metal music. This email tackles it head-on, poking not-so-subtle fun at the stereotypes and conventions of the genre. High points include a Teen Girl Squad cameo, Strong Mad's flat head and invisible mystical orbs of power, a creeping rusty meat video on the Half Hour Death Metal Dungeon Hour, and a scene in which Larry Palaroncini from Limozeen illustrates the difference between hair metal and death metal. It's hard to pick a definitive SBEmail, but if I had to pick, I would choose this one. And I would be right.

Determining the top ten Strong Bad emails was by no means an easy task. We (I) employed a rigorous and scientific process to eliminate all but the best and place them in sequential order; as a result, numerous otherwise good emails had to be excluded by virtue of being merely good. If a SBEmail that you have enjoyed didn't make the list, feel free to mention it in the comments, perhaps even providing a link so that others may enjoy it. You may even dispute this list, if you enjoy being wrong! I am never ever facetious and always completely serious. No, really.